Pick’n’Mix – Depression

I’m struggling.  I feel as if God is testing me.  I want to punch something over and over again until my knuckles bleed.  I want to scream and cry and have a complete meltdown, but I can’t.  I have to bottle it all up as if I let the smallest bit out then my kids will see. Every part of me hurts.  I can hardly stand.  I just want to be left alone.  I don’t want help anymore, it never works.  I’m never going to get release.  I’m just going to have to come to terms that my thoughts, my emotions don’t matter.  Every time I think off myself, things get worse.

For now on I’m here just for help for other people, for my husband and my kids.  This is what I’m around for.  I need to get to a place where I’m o.k so they can be better.  So I can support them and nurture them, help them get the best out of their life as they deserve the best.

I’m sick and tired of crying.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  I’m so frustrated that I can’t just shut down…just let go and function the same as a robot. Do what I’m suppose to do and that’s it.  The next day comes and do it all again.

I bet none of this even made sense.  To who ever reads it, sorry for filling your head with nonsense.  I thought writing might make things clearer, in this instance it has not.  Now back to life, where I must cook, clean and forget I exist.

 

 

Pick’n’Mix – Mental Health

A little warning that this may contain triggers for some people.

My pick’n’mix for today is more of a release for myself.  I’ve stated before that I’ve been diagnosed with clinic depression and anxiety.  I’m feeling very up and down at the moment.

I don’t have many people in my life in the way of friends.  Most people who get to know me can’t stand me after a while (boo hoo I know but true none the less).  There are two girls which I can call friends, both accept me for me but only one of them I can really “open up” too.  I also have my husband, who is a saint! I’ve sent him to hell and back again and again and he’s always been their for me, no questions asked and no hesitations.  I’ve also two amazing kids.  I know every Mummy says that but they truly are, don’t get me wrong they’re hard work, I’m pulling my hair out on a daily basis but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  They’re worth every second!

I’ve tried to socialize.  Nothing ever sticks though…If by some miracle I haven’t backed out of a night out, I’m usually so much of an awkward bumbling mess that people can’t talk to me anyway.  I don’t really want to have lots of friends.  A lot of people who have been my “friend” have ended up being total dicks, turns out I don’t like people anyway.  I just wish I didn’t feel so lonely, makes no sense but I never did.

My day is usually just me and the kids at home.  My husband works nights so sleeps during most of the day.  We are also currently saving for a house and it’s only his wage coming into the house.  I haven’t work in around 7 1/2 years.

Trust me though I want to.  I want to contribute, I don’t want to be a dependent.  Between my mental and physical health (Fibro Warrior) I don’t know if it will ever be possible. I have my good days where I can bring the kids out and make some amazing memories with them. Then I have my bad days…days where my husband has to carry me home as my knee has given in or I’ve taken a panic attack due to too many people around me.  I don’t just sit on my ass though.  I’ve gotten a diploma in personal beauty and makeup artistry along with a diploma in gel nails.  I’ve also gained a few key skills such as working with others and communications.  It’s not a laziness thing with me even though a lot of people see it that way.

Where I come from (Belfast) mental health is a big taboo.  The mere mention of depression and your seen as a crazy person, or someone who has to suck it up and get on with it.  I’m not saying this is every single person, but it is a lot.  I hear of someone taken their own life almost ever other week.  Their needs to be more funding for help for those who need it.

If one of my family members came across this blog they’d tell me to take it down.  Things like this have always been brushed under the carpet.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite close to my mum, dad and sister.  I don’t go very deep though and I think at this point I couldn’t.  My closest friend once said to me it’s easier trying to get blood out of a stone than to get me to talk.  That always stuck with me, for a lot of different reasons. Ironically, none of which I’m comfortable talking about right now.

I’ve written pages like this before.  I’ve never had the guts to hit the publish button.  I always think people will just assume I’m looking for attention or pity.  I’m not doing either.  Just hoping this will clear a bit of fog up in my min.

If you’ve read to the end of this, well done!  This has been a lot of writing with no real point.  Thank you for taking some of your time to read it and especially if you don’t leave anything negative.

If your feeling low or depressed please talk to someone.  Take some of the weight of your shoulders and let someone else carry some, It’ll help.  It can be anyone, a doctor, a friend or even leave me a wee message (best getting me on Instagram though, still don’t really know how to use this thing)…having someone to listen can help more than you think.

 

New Products – ABH Subculture

So unless you’ve been living under a rock or have a life and not glued to the internet like me, you’ll know that this palette is creating a lot of heated debates.  Some claim that they have hit pan on their first usage, some claim that it just does not blend. I have even heard a few people say it has oxidized on them.  After reading and watching a lot of reviews I’m trying to keep an open mind.  I fall in love with the modern renaissance palette every time I use it so I still have high hopes for Subculture.

After receiving it today am I still as excited? Yes and no…

So, here it is…isn’t it beautiful!

First of all let me give you a few details about this palette.  I ordered it of http://www.anastasiabeverlyhills.co.uk on the day of release (24th July) and received it today (1st August).  I paid £42 and got free shipping as the site offers this if you spend over £25 (score)!  In this palette you get 11 mattes and 3 shimmers which add up to 7 grams of products.  This palette is cruelty free but some colours do contain carmine so it is not vegan.  It has a 6 months self life.

I swatched with the brush as I feel anyone can make a nice finger swatch but that’s not how you apply it.  It’s a nice brush, not scratchy but not really soft either.  Does the job.  I also used primer on my arm before swatching.  This also shows the wear down off these shadows, pretty impressive after around 8 hours wear time.

First Impressions:

Once I opened the palette i noticed two shades where slightly damaged. May not seem like a lot for most people but I don’t get to purchase much high products so it was a bit of a bummer.  I got over it though, first world problems an all that…

I’m not gonna lie, I was nervous to use this palette, I had very high expectations for it. After using the first few shadows though I quickly got over it.  The trick is DO NOT dig/swirl your brush into these pans. You’ll just end up with a dusty mess for no reason. The smallest bit goes a long way with these.  A simple tap into the pan is enough.  The pigment is just gorgeous.  You will need a setting spray/fix+ for the shimmers for their full potential but that’s true for most shimmers in my opinion.  No matter what you do you will get kickback, there’s no way around but it’s not as bad as everyone is making out.  I have experienced fallout with the shimmers (very minimal) but none for the mattes.

I did find most of these shadows fairly easy to blend. There was a bit of skipping with the purple shade (Rowdy) but other than that I had no problems.

I am really enjoying playing with this palette.  The colours are not like anything I own and I feel you can make so many different looks from everyday chic to all out glam!

I do not know if their has been a bad batch with this release or what the deal is.  Some of the reviews are exaggerated in my opinion, I feel that some reviewers are purposely digging into the palettes to jump on the bandwagon and add to the negativity.  I also feel that the company have been dealt with the backlash really well and Norvina (Anastasia’s daughter) has made so many public comments stating that they are trying to fix the problems.  I feel they dealt with things in a professional manner.

Based on what I’ve used today would I recommend this palette. Yes I would.  I feel the pigmentation and wear time is amazing.  If you are a beauty enthusiast/collector I think you will get a lot of enjoyment from Subculture.  I love the colours and I hope whatever issues there are, that the company can sort them soon.

Has anyone else dealt with any of the issues with this palette?  What do you think of the colour selection? Will you be purchasing when it comes back in stock?

 

Pick’n’Mix

Friday’s are not going to have a theme.  As I also sometimes blog about mental health i’m leaving this day open.

Today though i’m going to be writing about my top favorite beauty you-tubers (also know as beauty gurus).

It may not be an interesting topic for some of you but you cannot argue with the fact that YouTube has changed the beauty industry. With millions of videos out there on makeup tutorials and product reviews, their is sure to be someone who you would enjoy watching (if your into beauty, otherwise it might be a waste of time, duh Gina!).

My top three do not have millions in the way of subscribers, they may not be the most extravagant or have the highest value equipment but they are unbiased, give a lot of information and I just love them.

1. Stephanie Nicole – This woman is my idol. Shes not super energetic or over the top but she gives you all the information you could possibly need on products.  She has so much knowledge on skin care and makeup ingredients and every time I watch her I learn so much.  She has also never accepted money from any company which makes me trust her so much more (though i’m not saying there is anything wrong with that).  Her humor is quite dry (which I personally love) and the only thing I dislike is that she doesn’t upload as regularly as others. She is employed in the beauty industry and has explained how busy her job makes her so i’ll let her away with it though :-).  She also goes out of her way to response to the many questions asked on her Instagram/YouTube channel.  I could just binge on her videos all day!

Stephanies’s YouTube Channel

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcjxyzWCYXGstZeUfHfM6Hg

2. Jen Luvs Reviews – I honestly don’t know how this lady does it! The effort and content in each and every video she makes is astounding to me.  A very different approach to videos, she does “the makeup minute” almost every weekday which contains all the important news and product releases in the industry.  She has a Facebook group called Whats up in makeup (which i love being apart of) which is just an amazing community for people swapping information and advice.  Her product reviews contain so much including ingredient analyses and demos.  She does a live chat every week which is just like having a catch up with an old friend.  See deserves so many more subscribers and i’m so glad I found her channel.

Jen’s YouTube Channel:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR96_hHJu3HE6vmu39_bRAw3.

Wayne Goss – If your looking for no fluff, straight to the point videos that don’t take up half of your day to watch then this is the guy for you.  His has so many videos from contouring to product reviews to skincare.  He can teach you so much more than just “Instagram” makeup looks.  He doesn’t just stick with makeup trends and will give you makeup tips that you can use for years to come.

Wayne’s YouTube Channel: 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCvoAe__WFYMNAEN-C-CtYA

Have you ever heard of any of these guys?  I’d love to hear about some of your favorite you-tubers if you have any. 🙂 xx

 

 

What a load of rubbish!

It has been a REALLY long time since I’ve even looked at my blog but I want to get back at it.  Here goes nothing…

One of my favorite things to watch on YouTube is empties, probably because i’m so nosy and want to see what everyone is buying.  It’s also a great way of saving a few £££ as the you-tuber has done the testing so you don’t have too! I’m now going start my own mini series of empties, including makeup, beauty and skincare.

I hope if you stumble upon my little blog you find it enjoyable 🙂

First up, Sleek Control Shine & Prime Primer

Price: £7.99 for 15ml

Claims: This primer claims to control oil and mattify the skin while minimising pores and skin imperfections. It is a lightweight formula, velvety texture which once applied is undetectable on the skin.  It also claims to prolong the wear of your foundation.

How to use:  Pat into the skin with your fingertips starting from the center going outwards. Can be used on its own or under makeup.

Ingredients: Dimethicone Crosspolymer, Silica, Dimethicone, Cyclopentasiloxane, Isononyl Isononanoate, Isododecane, Polymethylmethacrylate, VP/Hexadecene, Copolymer, Trimethysiloxysilicate, Mica, Phenoxyethanol, Caprylyl, Glycol, Titanium Dioxide (77891), Iron Oxide Yellow(77492), Iron Oxide Red (77491), Iron Oxide Black (77499)

It this product cruelty free?:  Yes

 

My Verdict: This product is very hit and miss with me. I absolutely hated the first time I tried it due to its texture. When you rub it into the skin it can ball up which I didn’t like either.  Its true that it does blur pores, this is most likely due to its high dimethicone content.  I have VERY oily skin and do not feel it helped with the wear time of my foundation. It leave skin very soft but again, this will be down to the dimethicone which you can find in most primers. It did help my foundation sit nicely on the skin for the first few hours of wear time.

Would I repurchase? In short, no.  There are a few products from sleek which I love but this falls short in too many areas.  There is not a lot of product but it will last longer than you think as you only need a small amount. I feel that you can get better primers for around the same price point.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An open letter to my mental health

Dear Depression:

I hate what you have made me.  I hate feeling worthless and pathetic.  I hate having no energy to play with my kids or cook for my husband.  I hate that takes every piece of strength in me to get out of bed in the mornings. I hate that I comfort eat so much! I hate that I can’t find any happiness in my day to day life anymore! I hate that you have so much control over me. I hate that you no matter what pills I take or therapies I try, you still won’t go away! I hate being this empty person! I hate that I think you are going to win.

Dear anxiety:

Why do you have so much control over me? Why can’t I talk to people? Why do I have to play out every possible and impossible scenario in my head before I make a decision on anything? Why can’t I look people in the eye? Why can’t I be in a crowd? Why do you mess up most good things in my life? Why do you influence every single move I make!! Why can’t I just shake you off and get on with important things?

Dear self esteem:

I don’t think I ever knew you.  I have grown up in a place where looks are so important. I’ll never forget when I was a teenager and a group of guys stopped playing there football match to laugh at my face.  I’ve never been seen as pretty. Its something I’ve always wanted to be (vein I know but I can’t help it).  I have have brains either….and my psychical health is also awful. I don’t have much going for me!

Dear Reader:

This was a big pity party for myself!  Sometimes writing things out can really help!  So that’s what I did….not sure if its worked yeat. I know there are lots of people who feel like I do.  I truly hope that if you do, you can find the beauty off yourself.  You can find the happiness in your life.  Thank you so much for reading this, I know it’s a bit long winded!  Lots of love and gentle hugs to you all!

Makeup Revolution Mini Haul Review

Hey everyone!!

So, I said a while back that I made a Makeup Revolution order.  I gave a few of the products away (because i’m nice like that) and kept the rest to play with and try a out few different looks.  I never really use colour so this was good start.

First impressions? WOW! All this for £25! I wanted cheap and cheerful so my expectations weren’t that high, but a few swatches later and i’m totally hooked.  These products are great quality.

The lipstick colour is beautiful on and very comfortable to wear. You will be topping it up throughout the day but for £1, there’s no big complaints here. I will emit that I do not reach for this highlight often. That’s mainly because Casper looks tan beside me. There is a nice shimmer to this and does what its suppose too.

 

When I first opened this palette, it was a bit bright and scary. Apart from a neon party or festival, when am I ever gonna wear these? After swatching thought it didn’t seem so bad. As you can see some are more pigmented than others but all round this is a nice wee palette to have.  Also, the rounder colours can go on a bit chalky.  It’s usually £6 and I don’t think it’s something I would have usually brought but it came free with my order. Free is always a good price.

This fixing spray was recommended to me by so many people. Keeping the bottle at arms length, just a few sprays over your face and your makeup stays in place all day.  It was £5 and I’ve had it for 6 months and still have around half the bottle left. Great value!

I have since found a fixing spray I love more than this (from Avon believe it or not) so I wanted to try something out.  I broke up half of a powder highlighter i never use (from MUA) and added it to this.  Now when I want to look metallic (you can never have enough highlighter in my opinion) I give myself a spray of this and shine brighter than a unicorns fart :-).

Saving the best till last!! I love this palette, the colours are so pretty (look at copper dream <3), the shimmers are gorgeous under light and everything is wearable!  Blending wise, there are more blend-able palette in the world but that’s not saying using this is hard.  I also suggest using a damp brush to apply as it really brings out the sparkle in some of the colours.  At £8, this cost the most out of all the products.  I would gladly pay double if I needed too as it just so beautiful.

If you want great makeup with a great price tag, I strongly suggest Makeup Revolution. From what I have used so far, I can honestly say I haven’t came across a dud product.  If your only starting out in the world of makeup then this is a great inexpensive way to try out different ideas.

Nobody’s perfect…and that’s okay! 🙂 xxx

Bit of a change of plan…

Originally this was just going to be a beauty blog.  Makeup has become such a great outlet for me so it made sense.  I have training as a makeup artist and love watching you-tube tutorials and looking at pictures on Instagram…

But truth be told I am sick, and its not just psychically.  No matter how many times I pick myself up and dust myself off, I fall again…at this moment I’ve fallen harder than I have in years.

Just like some of you who are reading this, I suffer from depression and anxiety.  This is something I am not very open about and not a lot of people know about.  I grew up in a place where this subject was brushed under the carpet.  It was never discussed.  There is such a horrible stigma around mental health, something that definitely needs to change.

At this moment I don’t know what I’m going to do next. I have no place in society and no real purpose.  I’ve tried many times to push myself, talk to people and gain some friends though most people who have ever been close to me have left.  So i’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ll be on my own a lot.

I’m not looking for attention.  I am not looking for sympathy.  I don’t want an out-pour of compliments and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.

But, I do need an outlet.  The only thing that is keeping me going is my two kids and husband.  I have to try and fight this for them.  My kids did not ask to be born, it’s not far if they are not raised right due to me giving up.  My husband has taken everything I have thrown at him, and that’s been ALOT of crap.  He’s never left me. His been the only one that’s never judged and has accepted me for me.  I love the bones of the three of them.

(Don’t get me wrong, I get along with my immediate family too but they don’t know this side of me).

People say you can’t love someone unless you love yourself.  I call bullshit on that.

Anyway, I don’t have a plan yeat.  I would love to make you-tube videos but I also know that I couldn’t take negative comments at the moment.  I still hope to write beauty reviews, maybe upload a few looks but taking things day by day is probably the logical choice.

In the meantime if anybody is reading this and has a question or if you can relate and want to talk/vent/rant/ whatever, my email is:  g.griffin103@gmail.com.