A little warning that this may contain triggers for some people.
My pick’n’mix for today is more of a release for myself. I’ve stated before that I’ve been diagnosed with clinic depression and anxiety. I’m feeling very up and down at the moment.
I don’t have many people in my life in the way of friends. Most people who get to know me can’t stand me after a while (boo hoo I know but true none the less). There are two girls which I can call friends, both accept me for me but only one of them I can really “open up” too. I also have my husband, who is a saint! I’ve sent him to hell and back again and again and he’s always been their for me, no questions asked and no hesitations. I’ve also two amazing kids. I know every Mummy says that but they truly are, don’t get me wrong they’re hard work, I’m pulling my hair out on a daily basis but I wouldn’t have it any other way. They’re worth every second!
I’ve tried to socialize. Nothing ever sticks though…If by some miracle I haven’t backed out of a night out, I’m usually so much of an awkward bumbling mess that people can’t talk to me anyway. I don’t really want to have lots of friends. A lot of people who have been my “friend” have ended up being total dicks, turns out I don’t like people anyway. I just wish I didn’t feel so lonely, makes no sense but I never did.
My day is usually just me and the kids at home. My husband works nights so sleeps during most of the day. We are also currently saving for a house and it’s only his wage coming into the house. I haven’t work in around 7 1/2 years.
Trust me though I want to. I want to contribute, I don’t want to be a dependent. Between my mental and physical health (Fibro Warrior) I don’t know if it will ever be possible. I have my good days where I can bring the kids out and make some amazing memories with them. Then I have my bad days…days where my husband has to carry me home as my knee has given in or I’ve taken a panic attack due to too many people around me. I don’t just sit on my ass though. I’ve gotten a diploma in personal beauty and makeup artistry along with a diploma in gel nails. I’ve also gained a few key skills such as working with others and communications. It’s not a laziness thing with me even though a lot of people see it that way.
Where I come from (Belfast) mental health is a big taboo. The mere mention of depression and your seen as a crazy person, or someone who has to suck it up and get on with it. I’m not saying this is every single person, but it is a lot. I hear of someone taken their own life almost ever other week. Their needs to be more funding for help for those who need it.
If one of my family members came across this blog they’d tell me to take it down. Things like this have always been brushed under the carpet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite close to my mum, dad and sister. I don’t go very deep though and I think at this point I couldn’t. My closest friend once said to me it’s easier trying to get blood out of a stone than to get me to talk. That always stuck with me, for a lot of different reasons. Ironically, none of which I’m comfortable talking about right now.
I’ve written pages like this before. I’ve never had the guts to hit the publish button. I always think people will just assume I’m looking for attention or pity. I’m not doing either. Just hoping this will clear a bit of fog up in my min.
If you’ve read to the end of this, well done! This has been a lot of writing with no real point. Thank you for taking some of your time to read it and especially if you don’t leave anything negative.
If your feeling low or depressed please talk to someone. Take some of the weight of your shoulders and let someone else carry some, It’ll help. It can be anyone, a doctor, a friend or even leave me a wee message (best getting me on Instagram though, still don’t really know how to use this thing)…having someone to listen can help more than you think.