The common theme through all of this…is me!

So its been a while…

To be honest, a lot has happened and is happening.  I can’t get my head around most of it and I’m struggling…

Being trapped in my own head, my own debilitating thoughts constantly holding me back from the most stupid mundane things for example, me, my husband and my two kids recently moved house. We are no longer renting and brought are forever home and I can’t seem to get comfortable here.  I don’t know why, nothing feels likes its mine, I’ve already bleached and scrubbed everything surface, every corner but it seems dirty to me.  I’m hoping it’ll pass but I’m on day 12 and it doesn’t seem to be getting easier.  What is actually wrong with me, it doesn’t make any sense!

My beautiful Granny also passed away, and I’m just so heartbroken.  I keep expecting a phone call to say she’s getting out of the hospital and I can go visit her.  She is no longer in pain and I’m happy she’s by my Granda’s side now, but I miss her.  My mum is so lost without her.  There’s a big gap in the family now. She was an incredible woman, so loving with just the most kind heart, she’ll never be forgotten.

I think I’ve said this before but I’m not a very likable person.  I get nervous around  others and people can’t relate to me. I either come on to strong or say so little that I seem rude, I find it so hard to get the balance right.  Most people are like ” take me as I am, I’ll never change” whereas I’d do anything to change.  I don’t like who I am.  I’m seeing the world so negatively and I don’t know how to fix it.  Most people who get to know me don’t like what they see. I know it’s me that’s the problem but I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve tried different things and seem to make matters worse.

And just so you know, I don’t write this for pity or attention.  I write as I don’t know how else to express any of this.  I don’t know how to speak to people.  Without this blog, it would be all still floating around in my head.  This gives me a bit of release when I’m suffocating. There’s also a lot I don’t write about for fear of a family member reading, which sucks to be honest, it may also be a trigger for a lot of people.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog. I was using it for an outlet and it does help but it’s turning into a messy pile of mumbled words.

If anyone has a cure for my nonsense please share it with me.  I don’t know how much more I can take.

 

Pick’n’Mix – Mental Health

A little warning that this may contain triggers for some people.

My pick’n’mix for today is more of a release for myself.  I’ve stated before that I’ve been diagnosed with clinic depression and anxiety.  I’m feeling very up and down at the moment.

I don’t have many people in my life in the way of friends.  Most people who get to know me can’t stand me after a while (boo hoo I know but true none the less).  There are two girls which I can call friends, both accept me for me but only one of them I can really “open up” too.  I also have my husband, who is a saint! I’ve sent him to hell and back again and again and he’s always been their for me, no questions asked and no hesitations.  I’ve also two amazing kids.  I know every Mummy says that but they truly are, don’t get me wrong they’re hard work, I’m pulling my hair out on a daily basis but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  They’re worth every second!

I’ve tried to socialize.  Nothing ever sticks though…If by some miracle I haven’t backed out of a night out, I’m usually so much of an awkward bumbling mess that people can’t talk to me anyway.  I don’t really want to have lots of friends.  A lot of people who have been my “friend” have ended up being total dicks, turns out I don’t like people anyway.  I just wish I didn’t feel so lonely, makes no sense but I never did.

My day is usually just me and the kids at home.  My husband works nights so sleeps during most of the day.  We are also currently saving for a house and it’s only his wage coming into the house.  I haven’t work in around 7 1/2 years.

Trust me though I want to.  I want to contribute, I don’t want to be a dependent.  Between my mental and physical health (Fibro Warrior) I don’t know if it will ever be possible. I have my good days where I can bring the kids out and make some amazing memories with them. Then I have my bad days…days where my husband has to carry me home as my knee has given in or I’ve taken a panic attack due to too many people around me.  I don’t just sit on my ass though.  I’ve gotten a diploma in personal beauty and makeup artistry along with a diploma in gel nails.  I’ve also gained a few key skills such as working with others and communications.  It’s not a laziness thing with me even though a lot of people see it that way.

Where I come from (Belfast) mental health is a big taboo.  The mere mention of depression and your seen as a crazy person, or someone who has to suck it up and get on with it.  I’m not saying this is every single person, but it is a lot.  I hear of someone taken their own life almost ever other week.  Their needs to be more funding for help for those who need it.

If one of my family members came across this blog they’d tell me to take it down.  Things like this have always been brushed under the carpet.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite close to my mum, dad and sister.  I don’t go very deep though and I think at this point I couldn’t.  My closest friend once said to me it’s easier trying to get blood out of a stone than to get me to talk.  That always stuck with me, for a lot of different reasons. Ironically, none of which I’m comfortable talking about right now.

I’ve written pages like this before.  I’ve never had the guts to hit the publish button.  I always think people will just assume I’m looking for attention or pity.  I’m not doing either.  Just hoping this will clear a bit of fog up in my min.

If you’ve read to the end of this, well done!  This has been a lot of writing with no real point.  Thank you for taking some of your time to read it and especially if you don’t leave anything negative.

If your feeling low or depressed please talk to someone.  Take some of the weight of your shoulders and let someone else carry some, It’ll help.  It can be anyone, a doctor, a friend or even leave me a wee message (best getting me on Instagram though, still don’t really know how to use this thing)…having someone to listen can help more than you think.

 

An open letter to my mental health

Dear Depression:

I hate what you have made me.  I hate feeling worthless and pathetic.  I hate having no energy to play with my kids or cook for my husband.  I hate that takes every piece of strength in me to get out of bed in the mornings. I hate that I comfort eat so much! I hate that I can’t find any happiness in my day to day life anymore! I hate that you have so much control over me. I hate that you no matter what pills I take or therapies I try, you still won’t go away! I hate being this empty person! I hate that I think you are going to win.

Dear anxiety:

Why do you have so much control over me? Why can’t I talk to people? Why do I have to play out every possible and impossible scenario in my head before I make a decision on anything? Why can’t I look people in the eye? Why can’t I be in a crowd? Why do you mess up most good things in my life? Why do you influence every single move I make!! Why can’t I just shake you off and get on with important things?

Dear self esteem:

I don’t think I ever knew you.  I have grown up in a place where looks are so important. I’ll never forget when I was a teenager and a group of guys stopped playing there football match to laugh at my face.  I’ve never been seen as pretty. Its something I’ve always wanted to be (vein I know but I can’t help it).  I have have brains either….and my psychical health is also awful. I don’t have much going for me!

Dear Reader:

This was a big pity party for myself!  Sometimes writing things out can really help!  So that’s what I did….not sure if its worked yeat. I know there are lots of people who feel like I do.  I truly hope that if you do, you can find the beauty off yourself.  You can find the happiness in your life.  Thank you so much for reading this, I know it’s a bit long winded!  Lots of love and gentle hugs to you all!

Bit of a change of plan…

Originally this was just going to be a beauty blog.  Makeup has become such a great outlet for me so it made sense.  I have training as a makeup artist and love watching you-tube tutorials and looking at pictures on Instagram…

But truth be told I am sick, and its not just psychically.  No matter how many times I pick myself up and dust myself off, I fall again…at this moment I’ve fallen harder than I have in years.

Just like some of you who are reading this, I suffer from depression and anxiety.  This is something I am not very open about and not a lot of people know about.  I grew up in a place where this subject was brushed under the carpet.  It was never discussed.  There is such a horrible stigma around mental health, something that definitely needs to change.

At this moment I don’t know what I’m going to do next. I have no place in society and no real purpose.  I’ve tried many times to push myself, talk to people and gain some friends though most people who have ever been close to me have left.  So i’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ll be on my own a lot.

I’m not looking for attention.  I am not looking for sympathy.  I don’t want an out-pour of compliments and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.

But, I do need an outlet.  The only thing that is keeping me going is my two kids and husband.  I have to try and fight this for them.  My kids did not ask to be born, it’s not far if they are not raised right due to me giving up.  My husband has taken everything I have thrown at him, and that’s been ALOT of crap.  He’s never left me. His been the only one that’s never judged and has accepted me for me.  I love the bones of the three of them.

(Don’t get me wrong, I get along with my immediate family too but they don’t know this side of me).

People say you can’t love someone unless you love yourself.  I call bullshit on that.

Anyway, I don’t have a plan yeat.  I would love to make you-tube videos but I also know that I couldn’t take negative comments at the moment.  I still hope to write beauty reviews, maybe upload a few looks but taking things day by day is probably the logical choice.

In the meantime if anybody is reading this and has a question or if you can relate and want to talk/vent/rant/ whatever, my email is:  g.griffin103@gmail.com.