The common theme through all of this…is me!

So its been a while…

To be honest, a lot has happened and is happening.  I can’t get my head around most of it and I’m struggling…

Being trapped in my own head, my own debilitating thoughts constantly holding me back from the most stupid mundane things for example, me, my husband and my two kids recently moved house. We are no longer renting and brought are forever home and I can’t seem to get comfortable here.  I don’t know why, nothing feels likes its mine, I’ve already bleached and scrubbed everything surface, every corner but it seems dirty to me.  I’m hoping it’ll pass but I’m on day 12 and it doesn’t seem to be getting easier.  What is actually wrong with me, it doesn’t make any sense!

My beautiful Granny also passed away, and I’m just so heartbroken.  I keep expecting a phone call to say she’s getting out of the hospital and I can go visit her.  She is no longer in pain and I’m happy she’s by my Granda’s side now, but I miss her.  My mum is so lost without her.  There’s a big gap in the family now. She was an incredible woman, so loving with just the most kind heart, she’ll never be forgotten.

I think I’ve said this before but I’m not a very likable person.  I get nervous around  others and people can’t relate to me. I either come on to strong or say so little that I seem rude, I find it so hard to get the balance right.  Most people are like ” take me as I am, I’ll never change” whereas I’d do anything to change.  I don’t like who I am.  I’m seeing the world so negatively and I don’t know how to fix it.  Most people who get to know me don’t like what they see. I know it’s me that’s the problem but I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve tried different things and seem to make matters worse.

And just so you know, I don’t write this for pity or attention.  I write as I don’t know how else to express any of this.  I don’t know how to speak to people.  Without this blog, it would be all still floating around in my head.  This gives me a bit of release when I’m suffocating. There’s also a lot I don’t write about for fear of a family member reading, which sucks to be honest, it may also be a trigger for a lot of people.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog. I was using it for an outlet and it does help but it’s turning into a messy pile of mumbled words.

If anyone has a cure for my nonsense please share it with me.  I don’t know how much more I can take.

 

My first ever #voxbox!

For those of you who don’t know what a voxbox is, Let me tell you a little bit about it.

For those of us who love to review (an lets face it, we all love to give are two cents now and again) the site http://www.influenster.com will be right up your street.

Mainly for the beauty community although does include food and drink, you can test products for free based on your social media influence.  The higher your score, the more chance you have of receiving a box (known as a voxbox).  You can also read what thousands of other people think on so many products, these are all honest reviews and really help you if your on the fence about a product.

It used to be only available in America but now the UK can also receive a box.

I was like a kid at Christmas when I found out (through the app) that I was going to receive a box.  Rimmel products are usually good quality and I hadn’t tried drugstore nail polish in a really long time.  A girl can never have to many glosses and I’ve never used a fiber mascara so I was busting to try this one.  This is what I think of the products received.

How the applicators looked on each product:

 

Shades of Black Oh My Gloss! By Rita Ora

The three colours I received where moonlight (a dark blue), desire (a deep maroon) and Rita’s black (you guessed it, black). Each gloss contains 0.21fl oz of product and has a self life of 24 months.

As you see from the swatches, for a gloss these are extremely pigmented.  Both desire and Rita’ black are very easy to apply whereas moonlight can go on patchy. These are not a sticky gloss and very comfortable to wear. I find it hard to place the smell on these, it’s not unpleasant and fades almost immediately on the lips.  Maybe a bit of a plastic smell but nothing so nauseating you couldn’t use them.  The Oh My Gloss! range is usually priced at £5.49 with offers off buy one get one half price regularly which I personally think is fantastic.  These colours maybe a bit out there for some but for Halloween there great fun to play with.  My favorite has to be desire! A beautiful vampy colour that goes with so many eye looks, I’m hooked! I will be purchasing more colours from the range as I feel they’re well worth it.

 

Shades of Black 60 seconds Nail Polish by Rita Ora

Colour shown in order: Midnight Ting, Matte Black and Darkest Desires

The three colours I received are Darkest Desires (a very deep maroon), Midnight Ting (an extremely dark purple) and Matte Black (you guessed it, a matte black colour).  You get 8ml of product in each bottle with a shelve life of 30 months.

The brush on these are thicker than I’ve seen on other drugstore nail polish, which I really like. It makes application very quick and leaves room for little to no mistakes.  This a thicker formula polish which means one coat is all you need.  These colours are very opaque, they may all look black on the nail until the light hits and you see that shine of maroon or purple. I had the colour Darkest Desire on for a week, which included three days at the gym and carving a pumpkin.I had the smallest of chips around the top of 4 nails during that week, a huge thumbs up from me! Priced at £2.99 you can’t go wrong.  Gorgeous colours, easy to use and long wearing…Rimmel knocked it outta the park with these.

Rimmel Wonderfully Real Mascara

Before and after

 

This mascara retails at £7.99 for 11ml of product and has a shelf life of 12 months.  I’m not going to lie, the first time I used this I wanted it as far away from my eyes as possible.  Clumpy and messy, it transferred over my lid and made my lashes look awful.  I didn’t want to give it a second chance, but I did, and there was improvement. It does lengthen my lashes, it does not give volume.  I’m also not a fan of the spiky brush, someone as clumsy as me can lose an eye with that thing.

I’m a big believer that you don’t need to go high-end for a mascara, there are so many good ones you can pick up from Boots or Superdrug for under £10.  This is not one of those I’m afraid. It doesn’t do enough for me to recommend it.

Overall thoughts

A big yes to the nail polishes, a yes to the glosses and a no on the mascara.  I’ve really enjoyed playing with these products over the last few weeks and can’t wait to try more from the Rimmel range! A big thank you to Influenster for sending these to me for review!

Have any of you guys received a voxbox before? What do you think of the new Rita Ora collection? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

If you would like to become a member of Influenster, you can use my referral code here: http://www.influenster.com/r/3080172

I don’t get anything from this referral other than 5 points towards my influence score (which I am grateful for if you choose to use the link).

Thanks again for reading! xx

 

 

 

The Liebster Award

 

This is the second time I’ve been nominated for this, I never did it the first time (not quite sure why) but what could possibly go wrong…

 

A big thank you to The Arty Plantsman for the nomination.  This guy has a great page, definitely one to check out! He’s also a good person, always leaving comments on my blog which I really appreciate!

So these are my questions, let’s get started…

• If you could be one fictional character for a day, and actually live their life, – who would it be and why?

This is hard already lol! There’s none that really stand out as an answer, which is weird as I’m very into my marvel characters.  Oh I know! From the Avenger series on Netflix, there is a character that is in Luke Cage and Dare Devil called Claire Temple.  She’s strong, smart and sexy! What more could you want?

• Can you play a musical instrument? If so, which? If not – which would you most like to learn or like to listen to?

I can play a little of the flute and guitar.  I used to play a mean tin whistle but that was in primary school…I’ve always been big into music but have a very short attention span.  I love singing as well if that counts.

• Are your friends (partners excluded) mostly of your own (biological) sex?

I can honestly say yes as I only have one person I can call a true friend.  She helps keep me sane (well as much as I can be sane).

• If magic could make it possible, would you be interested in changing sex for a few days to see the world from another perspective? Do you think it would be a good idea if we all did this at least once in our life?

Yeap! It would be very interesting. I find girls run on gossip and bitchiness but guys don’t really buy into all the drama. Do we get do pick who we can be? I’d love to see me through my husband’s eyes.  I don’t think it would be a good idea for everyone to do it, just because some people might not feel it would be a good experience.

Vampire movies/shows – do you prefer scary ones or romantic ones, and which? 

I’m a big Aaliyah fan and loved Queen of the damned.  I watched the second twilight movie and what I got from it was, the main girl in it was a yappy shit, not my thing at all.

Think of something good about yourself. Talk about it if you want, but I just wanted you to feel nice.

This is a hard question for me, especially at the moment.  I could sit here and try to think of something, really wreaking my brain and emotions but I rather just skip it, sorry if that seems weird.

Now – provide some random facts about yourself!

I’m a really clumsy person. Once while working in a bakery, I knocked over a bowl of fruit into a tub of butter, for months people would come in and ask for buttered apples.

I’m currently in the process of buying a house, it’s a long process!

Due to physical and mental health I haven’t work in just over 7 years. My husband works really hard and has never pressured me to go back which I’m grateful of but I sometimes wish I could contribute more.

Who I nominate:

I invite everyone to take part!  It would be great to get to know you all a little more! My questions are:

• What made you start you own blog?
• Do you like exploring on WordPress or stick to your own categories?
• Do your family and/or friends know about your blog?
• Where do you hope to see yourself in 10 years time?
• What’s your favorite time of year (e.g mine is christmas)?

 

The instructions for accepting the award and passing it on are as follows.

• Create a new blog post on your blog thanking the person that nominated you, link to their blog, and put in a graphic of the award.
• Answer the questions that were provided, and then share some facts about yourself.
• Create a new set of your own questions for others to answer.
• Nominate others (around ten) and share your blog post with them so they can accept their award!

 

I hope you found some of this interesting.  I hope to get back to writing soon. Thanks to everyone who reads my little corner of the internet, it means a lot xxx

 

 

How I’m Feeling…

I want to start this page with a big thank you to everyone who has left comments on my last few posts. I’m sorry I didn’t reply to them all as I am still now in a great place.

My goal for the past year is be a makeup artist…Its not a big shock to those of you who read this that makeup is a great passion of mine.  I eventually want to go back to work but it seems more and more unlikely at the moment.

Where I live, you have to fit in.  Its been this way from starting school.  Even now, picking my daughter up from school is a hard task for me due to the group of Mums who are there.  I am seen as an outsider.  Not that I want to be friends with people who are judgmental.

You can’t seem to have a problem, you’ll be an attention seeker.  You can’t let your kids go in without the latest gear, they’ll get made fun off.  You can’t say the wrong thing or you’ll always be known as a weirdo.  I could never understand stasis quo.  I’m the black sheep in most places.  Due to all this if I ever got the nerve to try being a makeup artist, I’d most likely never get a client.  I’ve tried doing makeup on a few people and I’ve tried to get the word out.  It’s always been a fail though.

I’d love to make a YouTube channel, that’ll never happen though. My blog is kept a secret as I know my family would tell me to take it down if they found it.  I would be mocked forever if someone found a YouTube channel.  I know mentally I couldn’t handle it either.

I do love my blog though, It makes me feel like more than just a loser without a job.  It’s also really the only place where I can say what I want without fear.

I’m hoping to get back to the makeup reviews soon. Thank you for everyone for sticking around in my wee corner of the internet.

 

 

Pick’n’Mix – Still feeling worthless

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my last blog and another thank you to everyone who left a comment.

I wish I could say my feelings have changed.  Most of the time when I go off on one like that the next day I’m fine again and back to daily life.  This time though my feelings haven’t changed.  I’m trying to fight through for the sake of my family…I don’t want my mood to effect them.  Which I know it does.  Feels like I’m forever snapping and shouting for no reason at all. It’s killing me so much yeah I can’t seem to stop.

I have nothing to contribute to the world.  I have no great talents, I don’t work, I feel like the biggest hindrance 24/7.  Is their anyway to get these thoughts to stop?  Maybe I don’t deserve for them to stop, that’s why they’re always here.

Fed up, pissed off, trapped and don’t see anyway out….

 

 

Pick’n’Mix – Depression

I’m struggling.  I feel as if God is testing me.  I want to punch something over and over again until my knuckles bleed.  I want to scream and cry and have a complete meltdown, but I can’t.  I have to bottle it all up as if I let the smallest bit out then my kids will see. Every part of me hurts.  I can hardly stand.  I just want to be left alone.  I don’t want help anymore, it never works.  I’m never going to get release.  I’m just going to have to come to terms that my thoughts, my emotions don’t matter.  Every time I think off myself, things get worse.

For now on I’m here just for help for other people, for my husband and my kids.  This is what I’m around for.  I need to get to a place where I’m o.k so they can be better.  So I can support them and nurture them, help them get the best out of their life as they deserve the best.

I’m sick and tired of crying.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  I’m so frustrated that I can’t just shut down…just let go and function the same as a robot. Do what I’m suppose to do and that’s it.  The next day comes and do it all again.

I bet none of this even made sense.  To who ever reads it, sorry for filling your head with nonsense.  I thought writing might make things clearer, in this instance it has not.  Now back to life, where I must cook, clean and forget I exist.

 

 

New Products – Dollibox

Hey guys, I know I haven’t been sticking to schedule recently but my body is not co-operating with me.  I’ll write when I can and just want to say thank you for reading/following/good vibes…everything really.

OK, so this weeks new product will be a first impressions of this months Dollibox.  For those of you who have never heard of Dollibox, it is a beauty subscription service.  You pay £10 + £3.90 p&p for five products every months.  There are pre-pay plans which makes it a little cheaper e.g If you take out the 3 month subscription the box works out £9.50 per box.  The contents can range from deluxe sample sizes to full size products and they are always a surprise.  There is no contract.  They do ship outside the UK (I would expect delivery to be more).

This was the contents of my August box:

1. Meow Lashes
2. Technic Colourfix Blush & Bronze palette
3. Egg Face Mask
4. Space Mask
5. Awake Organics Aura Clean Deodorant

 

These lashes are made with 100% mink hair.  They can be brought from http://www.meowlashes.com for £10.95. The site claims they can be used between 20-25 times with proper care.  They state the mink hairs are ethically sourced but I cannot say these are cruelty free.  They do feel very soft and I love the style that I have received, I haven’t worn them yet so I can’t say how comfortable they are but I am happy they were included, it’s not something I would have brought myself.

I have never heard of a natural deodorant actually working (feel free to leave me a comment if you have).  I’ve tried a little bit of this product on the back of my hand, it feels very gritty.  Once it melts into the skin it does make the skin feel a lot smoother. There is a lovely clean, spa like scent to it but I don’t think it would be to everyone’s taste.  It does not tell me how much product is in the pot (just travel size) but 30g is £12.99 on their site at the moment (www.awakeorganics.com).  It also says this is not an antiperspirant so will not stop perspiration.  This is probably something I will never reach for.

I love a good face mask. I can never have to many, I even have my husband doing them with me! The Egg Face Mask sounds right up my street. It is more tailored for those with oily skin which if I’m honest, I could fry an egg on my face the amount of oil I produce.  The spacemask is a warming eye mask said to relieve tired and strained eyes.  Sounds interesting!  The egg mask retails at £4.00 in http://www.thisisbeautymark.com and you can get the space masks for £15.00 for 5 at http://www.spacemasks.com.

This is not something I was excited about.  Don’t get me wrong, most Technic products are great for the price point but I prefer powder products when it comes to blush, contour and bronzing.  They are really creamy, pigment is nice and easily blended.  A good product, doesn’t blow me away but retailing at £4.99 from http://www.techniccosmetics.com, will do the job!

Verdict: If I walked into a shop, saw these products in a bundle for £13.90 would I buy it? No I wouldn’t, you’re not getting a bad deal but other than the face mask, there is nothing I’m jumping for joy over.  Yes, the lashes are pretty, and the palette is a full size product but I’m still underwhelmed.  Maybe I’m expecting too much. I think I’ll save my money one product that wows me rather than five that are “meh”.

What do you guys think? Does the Dollibox interest you at all?

“A Load Of Rubbish” – Make Up For Ever Ultra HD

Just the one empty this week and currently the only foundation that I have finished in the past year or so.  The Make Up Forever Ultra HD.

This was a case of the YouTube made me buy it.  I have acne and rosacea and look for anything that will cover it.  Watching a few videos around a year ago and this was the foundation everyone was talking about so I spoke nicely to my husband and ordered it.

Price: £30 for 30ml of product

Claims: Creates a naturally flawless complexion, on and off camera.   Medium to buildable coverage with a lighter weight formula.

How to use: If you would like sheer coverage you are best using a stippling brush.  For more buildable coverage, you can use a sponge to press and roll the foundation onto skin.  A foundation brush can also be used to layer it on.

What one pump looks like (it does come with a pump which is a big plus) and how it looks sheered out with my finger.  This is the shade R230 Ivory:

 

Ingredients: Cyclopentasiloxane, Aqua (Water), PEG-10 Dimethicone, Neopentyl Glycol Diethlhexanoate, Talc, Mica, Phenyl Trimethicone, Sodium Chloride, Lauroyl Lysine, Dimenthicone Crosspolymer, Methylpropanediol, Glyceryl Caprylate, Propanediol, Disteardimonium Hectorite, Sucrose Palmitate, Phenoxyethanol, Sodium Myristoyl Glutamate, Alumina, Cyclohexasiloxane, Proplene Carbonate, Pentylene Glycol, Sorbitan Sesquioleate, Evodia Rutaecarpa Fruit Extract, Tocopheryl Acetate, Glyceryl Linoleate, Aluminum Hydroxide, Glyercin, Parfum (Fragrance), Benzyl Alcohol, Benzyl Benzoate, Citric Acid, Potassium Sorbate, Sodium Hyaluronate, Tin Oxide, BHT, Tocopherol [ /- CI 19140 (Yellow, Yellow 5 Lake), CI 42090 (Blue 1 Lake), CI 77007 (Ultramarine), CI 77163 (Bismuth Oxychloride), CI 77491, CI 77492, CI 77499 (Iron Oxides), CI 77891 (Titanium Oxide)].

Is this product cruelty free? In short, no.  Make Up Forever sell their products in china where the law states you have to test on animals.

Verdict: This is a nice foundation.  It is buildable and I love the fact is comes in 40 shades so it will suit most skin tones, however, it is not full coverage.  I would say sheer but can build to medium.  It is very comfortable to wear, no heavy feeling and no oxidation (on me anyway.) I do not think it is suited to my skin type (very oily). My face pretty much melts off within 2-3 hours.

Would I repurchase?:  This foundation is not for me.  You need to have very little imperfections on your skin.  I feel it is more suited to those who are on the drier side of skin types.  If that sounds like you though I would recommend it to you.  I’ve used it on a few others and it sat on their skin like a dream!

Pick’n’Mix – Mental Health

A little warning that this may contain triggers for some people.

My pick’n’mix for today is more of a release for myself.  I’ve stated before that I’ve been diagnosed with clinic depression and anxiety.  I’m feeling very up and down at the moment.

I don’t have many people in my life in the way of friends.  Most people who get to know me can’t stand me after a while (boo hoo I know but true none the less).  There are two girls which I can call friends, both accept me for me but only one of them I can really “open up” too.  I also have my husband, who is a saint! I’ve sent him to hell and back again and again and he’s always been their for me, no questions asked and no hesitations.  I’ve also two amazing kids.  I know every Mummy says that but they truly are, don’t get me wrong they’re hard work, I’m pulling my hair out on a daily basis but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  They’re worth every second!

I’ve tried to socialize.  Nothing ever sticks though…If by some miracle I haven’t backed out of a night out, I’m usually so much of an awkward bumbling mess that people can’t talk to me anyway.  I don’t really want to have lots of friends.  A lot of people who have been my “friend” have ended up being total dicks, turns out I don’t like people anyway.  I just wish I didn’t feel so lonely, makes no sense but I never did.

My day is usually just me and the kids at home.  My husband works nights so sleeps during most of the day.  We are also currently saving for a house and it’s only his wage coming into the house.  I haven’t work in around 7 1/2 years.

Trust me though I want to.  I want to contribute, I don’t want to be a dependent.  Between my mental and physical health (Fibro Warrior) I don’t know if it will ever be possible. I have my good days where I can bring the kids out and make some amazing memories with them. Then I have my bad days…days where my husband has to carry me home as my knee has given in or I’ve taken a panic attack due to too many people around me.  I don’t just sit on my ass though.  I’ve gotten a diploma in personal beauty and makeup artistry along with a diploma in gel nails.  I’ve also gained a few key skills such as working with others and communications.  It’s not a laziness thing with me even though a lot of people see it that way.

Where I come from (Belfast) mental health is a big taboo.  The mere mention of depression and your seen as a crazy person, or someone who has to suck it up and get on with it.  I’m not saying this is every single person, but it is a lot.  I hear of someone taken their own life almost ever other week.  Their needs to be more funding for help for those who need it.

If one of my family members came across this blog they’d tell me to take it down.  Things like this have always been brushed under the carpet.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite close to my mum, dad and sister.  I don’t go very deep though and I think at this point I couldn’t.  My closest friend once said to me it’s easier trying to get blood out of a stone than to get me to talk.  That always stuck with me, for a lot of different reasons. Ironically, none of which I’m comfortable talking about right now.

I’ve written pages like this before.  I’ve never had the guts to hit the publish button.  I always think people will just assume I’m looking for attention or pity.  I’m not doing either.  Just hoping this will clear a bit of fog up in my min.

If you’ve read to the end of this, well done!  This has been a lot of writing with no real point.  Thank you for taking some of your time to read it and especially if you don’t leave anything negative.

If your feeling low or depressed please talk to someone.  Take some of the weight of your shoulders and let someone else carry some, It’ll help.  It can be anyone, a doctor, a friend or even leave me a wee message (best getting me on Instagram though, still don’t really know how to use this thing)…having someone to listen can help more than you think.

 

More Rubbish!

Following on from my last empties blog, I’m going to change things up a bit.  I have two eyebrow pencils which are completely empty and i’m going to battle them out to see which is the better product.  This could work out rather well or I’ll be pulling my hair out in a few hours as I can’t get it written up the way I want.  Either way, lets give it a go.

The two products which I’m comparing are the Goof Proof Brow Pencil from Benefit and the Brow Artist Xpert from L’Oreal.

I have enjoyed using both these products.  They both glide on smoothly, they do not smudge over the face and are pretty to use.

Name: Goof Proof Brow Pencil

Price: £10.50 for 0.2grams of product

Claims: A 12 hour, waterproof formula which makes it super easy to fill and shape your eyebrows with its glide on formula.

How to use: Use the wide part of the tip to fill and shape your brows.  Build your colour with light strokes.  Use the pointed end to define the “tail” of your brow and then blend with a spoolie. Or don’t, I’m not the eyebrow police do what you like, this is just what it says to do.

This product is tested on animals.

Verdict: This is great product, I have never had a bad brow day with it.  This was a deluxe sample so there was little product in it and do not know I would pay £20 for the full size.  If you can afford that then go for it.  The packaging is very cute, light and practical.  There are a good range of colours (I used number 6). Other than price, I don’t have a bad thing to say about it.

Name: Brow Artist Xpert

Price: £5.99. I would include the grams of the product but I can’t find that information, another blogger stated it was 10g but that seems a lot to me.  I even asked an advisor on the L’Oreal site and they couldn’t tell me either.  You might not care but I like to include that information just to see if you’re getting your moneys worth.

Claims: The 1st retractable brow pencil from L’Oreal for perfectly defined, fuller looking brows.

How to use: Use the triangular shape tip for precise application then use the spoolie to blend the hairs into place

This product is tested on animals.

Verdict: For the price, you can’t beat this product. It’s not as smooth as some other pencils I have used, and do not roll it up any further than you have too or it will break.  It will still give you nice, natural brows with minimal effort.  The shape of the tip makes it very easy to make smaller strokes (that’s what he said) which I like as I don’t like my eyebrows so blockly looking.

So…who wins? Both these products perform great in my eyes.  I love the look of brows and the shape of the pencil.  Benefit wins on the packaging side, I lost the lids of the L’Oreal pencil after about two days.  L’Oreal wins on price, although I don’t know by how much cause I can’t find how much grams is in it.  Benefit wins in texture, it’s exactly as the name says, Goof Proof! L’Oreal wins in colour selection with 8 shades (Benefit has 6).

L’OREAL GETS IT! But not by much, if you don’t mind spending £20 on a brow product then go for it, you do you! If your like me and it would make you cry forking over the cash, the Brow Artist will not disappoint.  On the plus side, with the money you save you can always buy more makeup…or pizza! xx