So its been a while…
To be honest, a lot has happened and is happening. I can’t get my head around most of it and I’m struggling…
Being trapped in my own head, my own debilitating thoughts constantly holding me back from the most stupid mundane things for example, me, my husband and my two kids recently moved house. We are no longer renting and brought are forever home and I can’t seem to get comfortable here. I don’t know why, nothing feels likes its mine, I’ve already bleached and scrubbed everything surface, every corner but it seems dirty to me. I’m hoping it’ll pass but I’m on day 12 and it doesn’t seem to be getting easier. What is actually wrong with me, it doesn’t make any sense!
My beautiful Granny also passed away, and I’m just so heartbroken. I keep expecting a phone call to say she’s getting out of the hospital and I can go visit her. She is no longer in pain and I’m happy she’s by my Granda’s side now, but I miss her. My mum is so lost without her. There’s a big gap in the family now. She was an incredible woman, so loving with just the most kind heart, she’ll never be forgotten.
I think I’ve said this before but I’m not a very likable person. I get nervous around others and people can’t relate to me. I either come on to strong or say so little that I seem rude, I find it so hard to get the balance right. Most people are like ” take me as I am, I’ll never change” whereas I’d do anything to change. I don’t like who I am. I’m seeing the world so negatively and I don’t know how to fix it. Most people who get to know me don’t like what they see. I know it’s me that’s the problem but I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve tried different things and seem to make matters worse.
And just so you know, I don’t write this for pity or attention. I write as I don’t know how else to express any of this. I don’t know how to speak to people. Without this blog, it would be all still floating around in my head. This gives me a bit of release when I’m suffocating. There’s also a lot I don’t write about for fear of a family member reading, which sucks to be honest, it may also be a trigger for a lot of people.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog. I was using it for an outlet and it does help but it’s turning into a messy pile of mumbled words.
If anyone has a cure for my nonsense please share it with me. I don’t know how much more I can take.