I’m struggling. I feel as if God is testing me. I want to punch something over and over again until my knuckles bleed. I want to scream and cry and have a complete meltdown, but I can’t. I have to bottle it all up as if I let the smallest bit out then my kids will see. Every part of me hurts. I can hardly stand. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want help anymore, it never works. I’m never going to get release. I’m just going to have to come to terms that my thoughts, my emotions don’t matter. Every time I think off myself, things get worse.
For now on I’m here just for help for other people, for my husband and my kids. This is what I’m around for. I need to get to a place where I’m o.k so they can be better. So I can support them and nurture them, help them get the best out of their life as they deserve the best.
I’m sick and tired of crying. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m so frustrated that I can’t just shut down…just let go and function the same as a robot. Do what I’m suppose to do and that’s it. The next day comes and do it all again.
I bet none of this even made sense. To who ever reads it, sorry for filling your head with nonsense. I thought writing might make things clearer, in this instance it has not. Now back to life, where I must cook, clean and forget I exist.