Depression, Mental Health, Uncategorized

Pick’n’Mix – Depression

I’m struggling.  I feel as if God is testing me.  I want to punch something over and over again until my knuckles bleed.  I want to scream and cry and have a complete meltdown, but I can’t.  I have to bottle it all up as if I let the smallest bit out then my kids will see. Every part of me hurts.  I can hardly stand.  I just want to be left alone.  I don’t want help anymore, it never works.  I’m never going to get release.  I’m just going to have to come to terms that my thoughts, my emotions don’t matter.  Every time I think off myself, things get worse.

For now on I’m here just for help for other people, for my husband and my kids.  This is what I’m around for.  I need to get to a place where I’m o.k so they can be better.  So I can support them and nurture them, help them get the best out of their life as they deserve the best.

I’m sick and tired of crying.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  I’m so frustrated that I can’t just shut down…just let go and function the same as a robot. Do what I’m suppose to do and that’s it.  The next day comes and do it all again.

I bet none of this even made sense.  To who ever reads it, sorry for filling your head with nonsense.  I thought writing might make things clearer, in this instance it has not.  Now back to life, where I must cook, clean and forget I exist.

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Pick’n’Mix – Depression”

  1. Do you think you could speak to your husband about it? Maybe he could look after the kids one evening and you could do something you used to like doing (like go to the cinema or to a nice park). That way your brain might remember that you exist outside of caring for others?

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    1. 2bh this is the way I want it. Anytime I try to express myself.. Lik if something is bothering me, things go 10 times worse. I’ve just came to the conclusion that it has to b because I don’t matter x

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  2. You don’t need to be ashamed of feeling this way – I’ve just posted an article about ways to cope when you’re having a bad day which I’d love you to have a look at. Take care – things will get easier x

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  3. You do matter. Everyone does. You are your own person and have a right to live your life for yourself. I know how hard it is. I have a younger female friend who has two kids but it takes a lot of effort to get her to talk about herself and her hopes and dreams, rather than framing everything in her life in terms of her family. Look after yourself first – then you will be in a better place to help your family if that is your priority. Just take care to get it the right way round and don’t push your own needs to the back.

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